I have realised now that there’s a lot of myself that requires adjustment and tuning, for the betterment of my heart and my future. I want to be less cynical and sceptical. I want to be inspiring, not depressing. I love the thought of being totally optimistic, but I think that without a little dash of gloom and sorrow every once in a while, we become lost in hope and fantasy, unable to absorb and truly understand life’s realities. SO here’s to finding the perfect balance.
I’m going to spend the next few weeks, in anticipation for the new year, trying to sort things out in my life. Who do I really need rather than who do I want to continue association with out of guilt? What are my priorities, not what others expect or want of me? Where do I draw the line for when enough is enough?
The girl eventually got all she ever dreamed of having. She had meticulously planned her life over and over, after every bad decision. And this was always how it had read on paper. So why so sad now? She had it all, but was so terrified of losing it she daren’t breathe. She felt more insecure an replaceable than ever.
We strive so hard for this image we call perfection. We plan our lives and then work hard so we get exactly what we want. Then when we do have it, we are so petrified of losing it all that we can’t even enjoy it. I wonder now, what is the point?
I feel like i’m in this cage. He used to joke and say he wanted to lock me up so no one else could get me. And now its happened. Now i can never go anywhere, never leave, never just be on my own. I’m so stuck, locked in this relationship, with no escape in case of emergency. It makes me feel so sick. And resentful. I sit and i think how have I let this happen? I was bulldozed into something i now am never going to be free of. I did love him, I still do underneath all this i think. But how can i be sure now? Now there’s pressure and panic. How will things work. Where will I be in a year? Not where i wanted to be.
He still has his plans, i find out this morning nothing on his agenda has changed. Is it wrong to be jealous? Looking for jobs abroad whilst i’m left here all alone in my little box struggling to cope with the overwhelming weight of it all. It just doesn’t seem fair.
Sometimes i wish i was one of those people who could just pack their suitcase and go wherever they wanted. Not to have to plan everything and work out how she would cope, just to go and figure everything out when she got there. No drama, no stress!
But people complicate things. You could never really justify it to anyone, not like they do in the films. Its technically abandonment isn’t it. They’d really never forgive you. However happy something makes you, there needs to be the equal amount of misery somewhere else. Just to balance the world.
HAHAHAHAHAHA loved the #Ex #rant post! Small talk is a load of shit, why be civil to people who you just don't want to be. Fuck social convention and all that crap, why is it you're not allowed to just sit in a room without having to ask morbid questions that no one is really bothered about? I know your situation is obv different with it being an ex, but if you take that out of the equation and just have 'ex' as 'someone who won't be a friend'. You KNOW the people you'll get on with and won't!
Social expectation nowaday is that we should try and be the bigger person. However we feel inside we’re taught that there’s no need to be rude. And that its polite to at least acknowledge and make small talk. Well I’m sorry but I don’t agree. There are just some people out there that really don’t deserve you’re time of day. And the sooner we realise this, the better. The people i want in my life are in it already. I may sound bitter and twisted. But really if someone wrongs you over and over and over again, why should you be civil? I reserve my right as a strong willed, intelligent and independant female living in the 21st century, to act and behave how I want. Screw whats socially acceptable. He was a fuckin prick to me, I’m over him, but there is no way on this earth he deserves any sort of kindness from my side. I’m saving my time and polite conversation for people I deem worthy. Not who my friends say I should give it to.